Dear Helen...
Helen is back again to answer your questions! She is always looking for more mentors to help so make sure you comment your questions, send us an e-mail or a Facebook message.
Dear Helen,
I’m struggling with one particular girl at my mentoring site. She is really smart and tuned in when she wants to be… aaaand she spends most of her time at SWSG pouting if she doesn’t get her way. I want to find a way to draw her out without playing into her hands. Help!
Sincerely,
Helpless at Heath Street
Dear Helpless,
I have had my fair share of girls with that attitude and it is so, so, SO annooooooying oh my god. Remember, she’s just angling for attention—you’re totally right to try not to play into her hands. In my experience, compromise works best. For example, if she doesn’t like the game you’re playing: tell her that as long as she participates today she can pick the game next week. The underlying idea here is to show her that not only does her negative behavior have consequences, but that her positive behavior can positively affect her experience at SWSG.
There’s also something to be said for reaching out to her when she’s not demanding attention. Asking her for help on an art project or to pass out bios are great ways of making her feel valued for her abilities and getting her to engage with the curriculum.
Striking a balance between being firm and supportive isn’t easy—but as with a good mattress or an expensive bra, these two qualities really aren’t that different. When all else fails, stop before reprimanding or acquiescing and ask yourself: “How does this action help this girl?”
Good luck!
Best,
Helen
Dear Helen,
One of my co-mentors is driving me crazy! We disagree on the way the mentoring session is led, but more importantly she doesn’t even seem to be present during mentoring, leaving me to run the entire lesson with no support. She’s a really nice person, but I’m so frustrated! How do I get the support I need in the classroom without hurting her feelings?
Sincerely,
Frustrated in the Fenway
Dear Frustrated,
Damn right, you’re frustrated. I’M frustrated just reading this. The reason we have co-mentors is to back each other up and to create a varied support system at the site—a good mentor is looking out not only for her girls but for her co-mentors and has a global sense of what’s going on in the classroom.
All that said, it’s unlikely that your co-mentor is going to be reading this right now, and even less likely that she is going to read it and have a revelation about her behavior in the classroom. It’s just not going to happen, though it would save both of us a lot of work.
You really just need to talk to her. As I said, a good mentor looks out for her girls and her co-mentors, but it’s more than that: a lack of cohesive mentoring like that is harmful to your abilities as a mentor and to the girls’ experience. My favorite conflict resolution method is the Four Steps from Girls Leadership—these steps are a great way to open honest communication without attacking or hurting someone’s feelings. I’d also recommend writing them down before you talk to your co-mentor.
Let’s practice one together: “Frustrated”, you’re amazing. And I very much appreciate you writing in and reading this blog post. We are on quite the journey together. All that said, I feel tired and I don’t want to write anymore. I realize that it is my job to write a comprehensive response to you. In future, I will write blog posts before 11 pm so I have energy to focus on them. How does that sound to you?
Look how well we solved that problem. That is some real conflict resolution skill. Dope.
Best,
Helen
